giddy giddy gumdrops

I've got a quiet giddiness about me. It's been coursing through me and I've been trying to share it, which is like trying to believe it. Wandering around the work neighborhood over the last few days has been as woesome and blunderful as my previous account related. Mishaps include a misfire order of tofu at a teriyaki joint...I basically, inadvertently requested to have a package of tofu taken out of the fridge, chopped up, and put on a plate with some lukewarm saucy soy. And just a general purgatory malaise that involved me walking up to one or two closed building, looking through the windows, and imagining being inside them. It's getting a colder so if I am going to keep on roaming like this I need to bundle closer to myself. I like the idea of winter clothes that sort of wrinkle your skin so it's closer to the rest of your skin, self friction. I broke my me pact of cleansing (read no bad things for sometime, say 7 days w/o) and it's mostly cuz I went auto desire. It's that split second stand still feeling of weighing what you want and how you feel, say, I feel hunger, and then letting your brain drift to the quickest most comfy decision it knows, say Subway. And then next thing I know I am remarking to myself on the comforts of savoring italian herbscheezes and the hardwork of a sandwich maker during a suburban lunch rush. Lunchtime at work verges on the awakening for me. It's my most alone and my greatest regard for the ordinary routine of my agreed upon surroundings. Whatever that means. I think it has something to do with the feeling of injecting myself into an "established" community. The Russian Soul Wizard (later) lives in Magnolia and says that children can go about freely there. I agree. My Bartell drugs zombie minutes are spent admiring how kids with some calculated amount of $ just go place to place in their village taking what they want or need and doling out their dollars like the aspiring adults they often unwittingly are!!!

Okay, I've been giddy though. I've felt like my life is more precious than I was willing to let on before. Lately I get seized by obscure, seemingly fond memories of my past: forensics trips, general movement, thrilling nights out with party or hang out obliterated friends...and I take those moments and stop them, imagine that I died right then right there. "Boy," I say to myself, "I sure am grateful it didn't all end right then right there for one of many fathomable reasons. That happens to people all the time, unexpected, befuddling endings and they are just caught off guard and then boom no more catching anything. It, life, is all over." Honestly, and I can't pin it, I keep on feeling this refreshing astonishment that it hasn't happened yet. I AM A LUCKY DAWG. THIS AIR IS SO GOOD. That's how it feels sometimes. I am trying not to be dramatic about these feelings, but oh I dunno, when I am with receptive friends I stay stupid, listen to me, let me seize you sort of things to them like, "I feel like assaulting people I see on the streets who don't seem amazed that they are still kicking it. I want to force them to recognize the urgency with which we are still sharing in living. This mutual feeling will overpower us thanks to my uncontrollable assault upon their living breathing thing and then we will do a dance of life, a precious dance that harnesses the right fucking now feeling. This will make me feel right about this thankful giddiness I am trying to muster because if I couldn't share this "ohmanlife" with others, with context, with social, with language, wit you, then I wouldn't be anything at all. I'd be back at the beginning, and by beginning I mean before me, before uzzz." It's probably worth it to note that I only say the first 2 lines of this to the person sitting beside me. Ha still looking for the muster to mustard this shit.

Final note of the now of this typing: boy do I keep on noticing my overbite when I'm reading. I can feel my mouth clamped down like I'm willing lockjaw and I can feel this seemingly GIGANTIC gap between my down teeth row and my up teeth row. My mouth is so closed, so sealed when I feel it. Sometimes I feel like it's gonna drive me crazy, like I'm gonna take both rows and pull them together, make a perfect, unnerving mouth of straight lines, even matchups. Other times I feel great about it and squeeze my jaw even tighter, I feel that and then I read faster and faster. The feeling of my teeth touching each other has been like a reading powerboost, like I am skimming across the words of the page and one word, "bird", "curls", "bass" sends my eyes flying even faster, a racing game speed ramp, suddenly I am propelled through the story. It has something to do with the teeth. I am not even afraid of my retention.